4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
