Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
