my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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