My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
