you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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