my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
this hospital has no fireball
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
