I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
