Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
