I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
