The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
