i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
