i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
