watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
i've created a new STD.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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