I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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