I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Randomize
