is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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