we're chasing vodka with high fives
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
