Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
