YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
