No awkward lesbian experiences without me
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
