Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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