That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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