he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
