After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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