Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
