The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
