She is in my trunk
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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