I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
A bitchslap is in order.
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