Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
