If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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