I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
