ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
