K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
