don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
