I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
