I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
