the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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