Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
