I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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