don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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