You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
