Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize