Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
