dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Randomize
