I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
