Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
vagina is talking i cant
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
