Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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