There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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