and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
