Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
