just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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