hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
