you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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