I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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