Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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