I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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