I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
