the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Houston, we have a blender
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
