I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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